Uncertainty.

7:23 a.m.

The sun is rising.
Been up the whole night.
Why do I put myself through this.
It's not as if hope was there to begin with.
I was just, someone nice.
The hope from possibilities of a million maybes; fading.
It's been said that good will eventually outshine anything else.
It's not that I want to give up.
It's just that, you can only try so hard.

"The heartless once cared too much"
I never believed in the absence of love.
Optimism is a strange lover.
She makes you lead yourself,
Into a brick wall.
Well, maybe I was passive.
Maybe.

So what now.
I don't know.
I honestly don't.
Nothing distracts from the thoughts I can't think.
I don't know.

Well, I could be overthinking.

Again...





Jon.

Let It Burn

Onesh was right.

Those who are heartless once cared too much.

Jon.

"24" - Jonathan Foreman.

Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago

Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies 
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies 
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.

Strength.

I normally find myself to be quite a strong person.
Emotionally, and mentally.

However, the past few weeks have been nothing short of easy.

Knowing that all I can do is to be patient.
Knowing that I can try as hard as I can and still fail.

It's certainly been one of the hardest periods of my life.

I've been getting along well mostly.

But,
It all fell apart.
As I was talking to my mum,
And she asked her normal "How's things?"
I lost it.
A verbal diarrhea of epic proportions.
I totally broke down.

I've come to realise,
That I don't always have to be strong,
I don't always have to be ok,
I don't always have to carry too many burdens.
It's ok to give in,
It's ok to be scared.

I thank God for good friends.
I thank God for an amazing family.
I thank God.

Jon.

It is the nature of the strong heart, that like the palm tree it strives ever upwards when it is most burdened. - Phillip Sidney

The problem with emotions.

After talking to a friend,
About making decisions when it comes to love,
It suddenly occurred to me that,

That,
The reason why it's so hard,
To make logical decisions,
When it comes to love,
Is because emotions and logic,
Don't make a fine mix.

This may not sound like a great revelation,
But this opens a lot of avenues,
To understanding my past mistakes,
And to making better decisions in the future.

Jon.

“Love is not the absence of logic
but logic examined and recalculated
heated and curved to fit
inside the contours of the heart” 
― Tammara Webber

我对你的感情. 但它是不可能的.

I don't know.
This cavalier act must come to an end.
A farce can only go so far.

It's not the future that I fear.
It's the consequences.

I've always trusted my heart's decisions,
Knowing that if things go wrong,
It won't be all that wrong,
Because lessons can be learned.
But can some lessons be too big to learn?

Pah.

Jon.

Faith means living with uncertainty - feeling your way through life, letting your heart guide you like a lantern in the dark.
Dan Millman

Of breves and emotions.

I've come to the realising that alot of the best music written,
Has two major components,
The right melodies,
And,
The perfect lyrics.

Yes, it's corny,
But hear me out,

Music,
Like any other art,
Is an expression of human emotion.

Honest emotions.

The right melodies come from deep inside,
You know when the melody that you hear is "good",
That it conveys the artist's feelings,
What he/she sees, hears, feels, is going through.
The same goes for lyrics.

I have always had an amazing respect for John Mayer as a musician,
His music isn't the most complicated technically,
It's simple to be honest,
So are his lyrics.
It's just that, in it's simplicity,
It's beauty is magnified by it's bravery.

Do you get me?
I don't.
I just, know.

“People want to see musicians sing things that come from their own mind and own heart in real time, responding to the moment for them.” Mayer.

Jon.

How interesting.

You see,
At the end of the day,
We all go home,
To our own homes,
To our own beds,
To our own realities,
To our own selves.

Selves that only we ourselves know,
Selves that only we ourselves can judge,

And sometimes,
One has the urge to say something,
Something socially unacceptable,
Or something that may end up biting ourself in the butt.

And only the completely honest,
Will dare to speak.

Or so it may seem.

The sad thing is,
Emotions tend to lead us to false judgments,
And we tend to believe,
In our self righteous, self justified claims,
But at the end of the day,
Our own realities,
May not differ that far from those whom we judge.

Which makes me wonder,
How is it,
Man as we are,
That this concept of Godly grace can be acceptable,
That we,
Imperfect, insatiable, hypocritical men,
Can be loved,
By a cosmic deity who exists as a concept of perfection.

Amazing grace,
A lesson I'm still learning from day to day,
Definitely not easy,
But satisfying.

Once you realise that,
Loving your neighbour as yourself,
Despite one's flaws and inequities,
Without judgement,
Or self praise in comparison,
It leads to an understanding,
That nothing really matters,
And it all comes down to a matter of the heart.

Jon.

When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.
Wayne Dyer

You're It.

We can build a fort out of pillows in our living room
Play tag in the kitchen like we used to do
I can hide, you seek come find me.

We can take our bikes to the park you know the one downtown?
And we can swing on the swings until the sun goes down.
Nothings changed with age.

You're still as lovely as the first day
I told my mama you'd be mine one day
I'd be your everything, could not wait

I'm so happy to say I was right
Cos you, are the only for me
I've known for so long

And you make me feel right, child like
I'm right where I belong with you

Teach me how to jump rope
I can teach you how to climb
Play ball, then you can help
Me color in the lines.

Always knew we'd make a great team.
I can be the cop, you're the robber since
You stole my heart or red rover, I can
Rap you up in my arms or play house
In our house

Pigtails and hand me downs
Couldn't disguise what you'd be
I see you then as I see you now

Perfect, lovely, worth it to me
All I ever need
Cos you, are the only for me

I've known for so long
And you make me feel right
Child like
I'm where I belong with you.

Epiphany

Amazing.
I just had an amazing conversation.
It's one of those where suddenly,
Everything makes sense,
Where it all fits into place,
Where you realise things,
Thing you should've known,

Just simply amazing.

That's it.
This is the point of no return.

A stand has to be made.
Where right choices are made,
Where mistakes are accounted for.
Where forgiveness lies.

Amazing.

I'm still in awe.

God is good.
All the time.
Truly amazing.

Jon.

Amazing grace, how sweet the sound - John Newton

Shadow Days, No More.

I'm a good man, with a good heart
Had a tough time, got a rough startBut I finally learned to let it goNow I'm right here, and I'm right nowAnd I'm open, knowing somehowThat my shadow days are overMy shadow days are over now.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The excerpt was taken from Mayer's new track.

I'm genuinely excited for his album to arrive.

Like a kid unboxing his Christmas presents,

I'll diligently listen to each track,

And find the one I love and hate.

The way I see it,

People my age are now looking for singers,

Or bands,

That they can listen to their whole life.

I've found mine,

In the form of Mayer and Switchfoot.

Oh, and Story of The Year.

Jon.

I'm a dreamer. I have to dream and reach for the stars, and if I miss a star then I grab a handful of clouds.
Mike Tyson

A tale of two cities.

Reading my past few posts,

I have come to the sad and amusing conclusion,

That my posts bring forth a very melodramatic individual,

Which is hardly the truth,

It just happens to be,

That I use this as a place to express deeper thoughts,

Thoughts that some might find unacceptable,

Because we all live in this make believe utopia.

But honestly,

This just happens to be a place,

Which happens to be somewhere,

Where I can release,

Let go,

Be myself,

Have some alone time.

Having time to oneself is of the utmost importance.

Without appreciating and loving yourself,

You can't be expected to love others,

You can't be honest in speech and manner,

You can't be true to your friends,

You can't be who you could be.

This is an advantage introverts have,

They live in a world of physical silence,

Where they can hear their own thoughts.

Where they can reason out with themselves,

It's sad that sometimes the things we say,

And the things we want to say are separate,

This may be because of social conventions,

Or for fear of feelings,

But I believe,

When that when one has time to think,

In person,

Actions and thoughts will come into unison,

Solutions will be found,

Closure will be met,

And the lies you tell yourself will seem to be the truth.

Jon.

All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible.
T. E. Lawrence

Drove my Chevy to the levee but the levee was dry.

About a year ago,
We left this place,
This place which held so many memories,
The place where our memoirs will describe,
Where the days were long,
And the seasons sped by.

Our acts of vandalism,
Were lost in the four seasons that swept by,
Winter in her icy cool and silent rage,
Spring where our hopes died,
Summer where we tried,
And autumn where we reminisced.

Can't remember,
What went wrong last September,
But I'm sure you'd remind me,
If you absolutely had to.

I sleep with this new girl,
I'm still getting used to,
My friends all approve of her,
Saying she's gonna be good for you,
They throw me high fives.

Don't get me wrong,
She's amazing,
Beautiful,
Smart,
Charismatic,
Lovely,
Exciting,
And she loves me.

But surely,
And surely I say,
She's no you.

Grey sweatpants,
No make-up,
So perfect.

But that's where it ends,
That beautiful soundtrack,
The vivid image of our youth,
Fading to black and ominous gray.

The sound of the hummingbird arouses me,
From this sweet distraction,
The aroma of fresh coffee wafts,
And I am reminded,
That as powerful mankind can be,
We are still bound by our clocks,
Ticking like bombs,
Closer and closer to the next moment in life,
Destroying all chance of a lost chance,

Memories may fade,
Sights and images will wither,
Songs and melodies lose their motif,
But emotions will remain eternal.

~ Jon. 23/4/2012

I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.
John Burroughs

Just, a thought. At 6 in the morning. Ah, honesty, We Meet Again.

Janice: Sweetie, you should not have to settle for just half my heart.

Chandler: I'll settle for half your heart! I'll settle for a quarter of your heart! I will settle for a little....a tiny...a ventricle.

Everybody's A Stranger, But I Guess That's The Danger In Going My Own Way.

It's interesting how the realities we live may not be that real after all.

I've been staying at home a lot recently,
He calls it camping,
She says it's being anti social and lonely,
They seem to think that I feel lonely,
When, I'm really quite content.

There are many seasons in one's life.
And sometimes I need a little alone time,
To think,
To reason,
And to study,
Believe it or not.

It's not that I'm a loner.
Au contraire,
I actually love human companionship,
Honest companionship that is.

But I've got good friends.
And I mean it.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Been listening to plenty of Dashboard Confessionals recently.

Chris Carabba - Hands Down


My heart is yours to fill or burst
To break or bury
Or wear as jewelry
Whichever you prefer

The words are hushed
Let's not get busted
Just lay entwined here
Undiscovered

Safe in here from
All those stupid questions
"Hey did you get some?"
Man, that is so dumb
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On a brighter note,

For the first time,

We,

The sem 1 futsal team felt good about how we played in the league.

The joy and euphoria of playing a great game,

That feeling of belief in yourself.

I hope you find that feeling for yourself.

Jon.

“Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!"” - John Clayton Mayer

L'amour Vrai.

Isn't it amusing?

How everyone searches and waits in vain for that perfect person?

Well maybe that "perfect" isn't that far away?

Maybe it's not about searching for the perfect person,

Maybe it's about being the right person,

And hoping, against all odds, that's she'll be the right one.

Forget high school.

We were idiots back then.

I'm not talking about some Hollywood, roman candle fireworks, hot pink, toes curled, passionate type of love.

I'm referring to the type of love between the old couple you see in the park.

The type that lasts.

The "I've got your back anytime" type of love.

What is love then?

In it's simplest form,

Love is patient,

Love is kind,

It does not envy,

It does not boast,

It is not proud,

It does not dishonor others,

It is not self seeking,

It does not anger easily,

It is forgiving,

It protects,

It trusts,

It hopes,

It perseveres.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It's been a pretty tiring few days.

At least the water supply is back.

The IMU futsal league starts in an hour.

And for once in my live,

I'm not enthusiastic about a ball game.

I need rest.

Jon.

When you're in love you never really know whether your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love, or if it attributes them to her; whether the light which surrounds her like a halo comes from you, from her, or from the meeting of your sparks.
Natalie Clifford Barney

------------------------------------------------------------

On another note,

This song is amazing.

Been raping the replay button endlessly.

God Damn You're Beautiful - Chester See

I can't find the words to explain,
Just how much you got me going insane.
When you speak to me sometimes we fight,
Oh I studder my words i say nevermind.
'Cause even when you just walk by,
Well I look around to seem occupied.
'Cause i'm trying so hard to hide,
Yeah, All these feelings inside.

Who Says.

IMU.

2 months ago I never expected to be here.

Never expected to do the things I've done.

Never expected to meet the people I've met.

And yet, here I am, in this new home,

Still in disbelief at how fast life can change.

We as humans can make all our plans,

But life, the hormonal woman on a mood swing that she is,

Can throw a wrench into the pipes,

At any time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In short, in these 2 months that I've been here,

Things have been very interesting to say the least,

The people here that I've met are nothing short of amazing.

Studies wise, I'm coping decently, to say the least.

A new form of normality has taken precedence.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On another note, I've decided to revive this blog.

I need an outlet for my thoughts.

It gets pented up at times.

Looks like you'll have to put up with me again.

Jon.

I don't believe you have to be better than everybody else. I believe you have to be better than you ever thought you could be.
Ken Venturi

The One With The New Year.

It's taken me a good 2 days to figure out what to post for this new year's blogpost.

Bear with me.

It just occurred to me that, maybe, just maybe, if a little more thought was put into all our new year resolutions, they might just perhaps, last.

Alot of times, when we randomly shoot off resolutions the moment the clock strikes 12 on that blessed day, what is it actually that we are actually making plans for? A typical resolution will involve alcohol, work, love, drinking, exercise etc. All of which, are great in their own. But then again, these are all the same things that we've been pushing ourselves to do throughout the year. And new year's day is just another date in the calender with which to procrastinate it to.

Let's take it up a notch.
I find myself wondering, what actually do I want out of this year.

Greatness.

Dictionary.com defines greatness as

1.

unusually or comparatively large in size or dimensions: Agreat fire destroyed nearly half the city.

2.

large in number; numerous: Great hordes of tourists descendon Europe each summer.

3.

unusual or considerable in degree, power, intensity, etc.:great pain.

4.

wonderful; first-rate; very good: We had a great time. That'sgreat!

5.

being such in an extreme or notable degree: great friends; agreat talker.

Allow me to draw your attention to number 3.
Unusual or considerable in degree, power, intensity, etc.

Even as I will be travelling to India for my studies, I'm going with my eyes and my heart wide open. Hopefully, with the grace of God, this will be a great year.

It is a very general "resolution", but as cliched as it is, I'm still young and there is a whole world out there for me to explore. It's time to start living the "Who Says"  attitude in life.


And it all starts with Africa in January. Heh.


So there, the all too customary new year's post.


And so, allow me to wish all of you readers, a happy and blessed new year.
All 5 of you at least.

Jon.

You have done what you could — some blunders and absurdities have crept in. Forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.

Emerson

Christamas as he would say.

Christmas is around!

Although the true meaning of Christmas is totally lost on some, the past few days have been truly fun and relaxing.

I really need to stop going to bed at 5 in the morning.

The guys at the dive shop are probably gonna roast me for missing so many lunch appointments.

New Year's is up in less than two days.

No sappy posts. 

I solemnly promise.

Even though I'll probably be with some friends in a club, I'm sure there are way better ways to usher 2012 in.

Meh.

Jon.

Alan: She looks up to me. She thinks I’m special. She thinks I’m smart.
Charlie: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio’s father.

Normality and Thank Yous.

So, my final night in kl has come.
Sitting around with my soon to be ex-housemates.
Having cups of hot chocolate and coffee.

Contemplative doesn't even begin to describe it.

What happens for the next few months before I head off to India?

Well, life goes back to normal right?

But then, what is normal now?
My life has gone on a tangent in three months
As short as that is.

Sleeping as and when I like, meals at odd hours,
Spending money on things I feel are necessary,
Public transport, new friendships,
The faces I see daily.

I have come to realise that the only normal is change.
Cliched as it is.
Heading home will be a form of change also,
To a certain extent.

I have learned much in this 3 months.
Experiences that will never be forgotten.
Lessons that I will carry through life.

Which brings me to the next half of this post.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The experiences gained and lessons learned, would matter little,
If not for some God-sent people.

This is a big thank you to all of you.

Firstly, to God himself for opening paths and bridges. Coming to Kuala Lumpur wasn't something I had planned. Going to Russia wasn't even part of my original plans. But then again, we can plan all we want but God himself will turn you in the direction he desires and sees fit. And again, he changed my paths halfway with a fantastic offer from Manipal University. Which to a certain extent left me very confused. However, having prayed and accepted that offer, I realise that coming to KL was a lesson from God in being independent and in self-control. Here, I have learned discipline, and to a certain extent matured, and most importantly, learned to trust God in all ways. Which is a far cry from life in Kota Kinabalu. To him be the glory.

Secondly, Mum and Dad, the two of you have been amazing during these 3 months.
*since they do not read this blog, I'll say it to them in person.

Next, Championsheep.
You guys are really REALLY amazing. Fridays nights have become a highlight of my week. Whether you realise it or not, I have learned alot about being a God fearing Christian from all of you, whether through words, actions or deeds. It wasn't easy at first entering a new church and cell coming from a church where I am very much in my comfort zone and where I grew up with most of my peers. I can't mention all of you but trust me, you have impacted me greatly. I have also built friendships which I treasure and will want to maintain. These are the few people whom I have gotten to know better. Daniel Wong, you were the first person to contact me about this awesome group of individuals, and I could never thank you more for that. I really admire your heart to serve God and his people, which is seen in your generosity in opening your house to Championsheep. Fiona Liew, your tenacity and love for your cell members is a lesson I have learned easily. I cannot thank you more for picking me up and dropping me off for cell every week. I have certainly learned alot from you during our chats on the way to and from cell. All the best being the new cell leader! Ngin Wei Chun, you were one of the first people I spoke to at cell. Every week, having simple relaxing conversations with you is something I look forward to. All the best for your years in dental school!
Championsheep, you guys will be dearly missed.

Then, The Coursemates.
Starting FIS was like the first day of school all over again. The fact that most of you had already started the course before the few of us entered, and the way all of you welcomed us with open arms is something I will certainly remember. Winniesha A. I am still very amused by the way you always give me a fistbump when we meet. Solomon Nath, it has been an absolute joy playing futsal with you and getting to know you. It is rare to find a Christian so proud of his faith in his daily life. Keep it up! Maybe one day we will backpack through Europe eh? Kishen, what more can I say, so full of joy and happiness, seeing you and joking around with you never fails to make my day. Aiman Z, we really do have alot in common don't we? You have certainly been one of the best friends I have made in this trip. The way you handle your life certainly inspires me and I have learned to appreciate how easy I have things. Do come to Sabah soon, I'll bring you to our Sambal Hijau. Heh. Danny, coming to KL with you has made things alot easier. Being to lost Sabahans has certainly made for alot of laughs and jokes. Winning that talent competition has certainly added to the memories of this trip.

The Housemates.
Heh, there are many things we have done that can't be posted here for decency's sake. I still smile thinking of all the stupid things we've done. Over the course of three months, all of you have become like brothers to me. Vincent Ling, the more talkative of my actual housemates, it's been fun walking long distances for food with you. Having someone around the house who jokes alot and is so understanding only made the transition period easier. I hope to see you again soon. Chui, always the quiet one with the witty remarks, your quirks have certainly made my trip alot more amusing. But how can I thank you more, you are always the one keeping the house clean, making sure everything is in order. I certainly hope to have other housemates like you in the future.
Now, for the unofficial housemates whose house I have moved into and turned into my second home, I want to thank all of you for inviting me over to your house and making me feel so welcome. I can certainly say that all of you have become like brothers to me. Musson, the top student, I can't say I won't miss you. Your antics are hilarious. Serious one moment and crazy the next, I wonder how you can still be the top student. Adib, sitting around with you having long talks was awesome. It's been fun making fun of Terengganu and the football team. Erwan, the guy who always steals my food, come to KK and I'll cook for all of you again. Can't wait to go to Langkawi with the others to visit you. Sultan, ah my Krygystani friend, playing pool with you and the others has been really fun. Making fun of you in malay has never stopped amusing me. Especially the KFC incident. And please, stop calling all of us abang, it sounds so gay. Vincent, one of the nicest guys I know. You and Fifi make and awesome couple. Why don't you come visit her in Sabah eh? Then we can bring you around. Julius, my Nigerian friend, I'll certainly miss playing PES with you at 2 in the morning. Go get her eh? Isaac, we didn't really get to know each other much since we were in different courses, but I guess we will meet up soon in KK eh?

And uhm Darian and Nigel
Now I know that I've known you guys from home, but this goes out to you for coming along with you for possibly one of the biggest highlights of these three months, or my life. When the suggestion for Rockaway was given out, two of you were in it from the start. And boy, did we have an awesome time or what. Soundwave next perhaps? Heh.

And also Melvyn and Josh Siaw
My awesome mentor and cell leader. The advice you have given me has helped me alot during these three months. I really cannot thank you enough. Can't wait to touch base with you when I get back.

And that's about it.
If I have missed you out, trust me, it wasn't intentional
I'm doing this at half past 2 in the morning.
But really, thank you to all of you so much.
And please do come to KK to visit.

God is good. All the time.

Jon.

You are My friends. There is no greater love than for a man to lay down his life for his friends. I cannot be with you much longer, My friends. You cannot go where I am going. My commandment to you after I am gone is this: Love one another. As I have loved you, so love one another.